Still Standing Scared After All These Years
by emeralddragonchild
Summary: Dean feels like he's been scared since he was four years old.


Wee!Chesters, Dean-Centric.

* * *

Dean doesn't know what's going on. He's been scared since that night, since Daddy put Sammy into his arms and told him to run. Daddy carried them to safety when there was that big boom and everything with bright and hot, but Dean didn't know where Mommy was and no one was telling him. Daddy had taken him and Sammy to Miss Laura's, the nice old lady down the street that Mommy was always making cookies and cakes and casseroles for, and told him he'd be back soon, but that had been forever ago and Dean's worried because what if Daddy went away with Mommy and Dean and Sammy are gonna be alone with Miss Laura forever?

Miss Laura kisses his forehead and smoothes his hair and it's almost like Mommy except Miss Laura smells like powder and peppermint instead of apples and sugar cookies like Mommy had. Plus, Miss Laura's hand is cold and winkled against his skin. It's not like Mommy at all, but Miss Laura tries and Mommy always said that when someone tries their bestest, it's enough.

Miss Laura only has one bed in the guest room. It's really big and high up, like Mommy and Daddy's bed had been, and Dean shares it with Sammy. Dean worries that Sammy is gonna roll right off, since the bed doesn't have the bars like Sammy's crib had, so he makes a wall of pillows between Sammy and the floor and then lies on his other side so that Sammy doesn't fall between the bed and the wall and get stuck like Dean's stuffed bunny Mr. Hoppy does sometimes.

Dean's happy when Daddy comes back, so happy he runs right outside despite Miss Laura yelling at him to wait. Daddy catches him up and lifts him high in the air and it's almost like before, but Daddy doesn't call him Deano and there's no smile at all. Dean looks around, because if Daddy's home then Mommy is, too, right?

But Dean can't see Mommy, so he figures he should ask. "Daddy," he frowns, still peering every which way but the only one there besides Daddy is Miss Laura who has Sammy perched on her hip. "Daddy, where's Mommy?"

Daddy goes still and frozen, like Dean use to at playgroup when he played Freeze Tag with the other kids. "Dean, Mommy isn't coming back. I told you that."

Dean frowns because it's Mommy and of course she's coming back. Daddy came back, didn't he? And Dean knows that Mommy loves him, she tells him so every night before she kissed Mr. Floppy and then his forehead and tucked him, or at least she did before she went away.

Miss Laura looks sad again. She touches Daddy's shoulder, "He's just a boy, John. He doesn't understand. Why don't I take Sam into the kitchen and make some cookies? That way you can talk with Dean?"

Daddy nods, makes a sigh-y sound like Mommy makes when Dean's being too loud and too bouncy and too everywhere. Daddy carries him inside and sits him down on one of Miss Laura's clear-covered chairs and then crouches in front of him.

"Mommy isn't coming back, Dean. She went to live with the angels in heaven."

"She… she went away?"

"She had to."

And Dean finally understands that Mommy isn't coming back, can't come back. She'll never tuck him into bed again, never kiss his hair or tickle his belly, she'll never give him piggy-back rides or call him Deano or anything ever again because Mommy isn't coming back.

Dean starts crying and he can't stop. His heart hurts and he's scared and he wants his mommy.

Dean cries for days and Sammy cries with him. For hours and hours, days and days, all he can do is cry and sob and whimper until he falls asleep and then he wakes up to do it all over again. He just wants his mommy.

Daddy's trying to read and Dean's sniffling. He tries to crawl up into Daddy's lap but Daddy brushes him aside impatiently. He gives Dean a hard look that just makes Dean's tears start up again.

"Stop it!" Daddy suddenly yells, on his feet and picking Dean up by his arms. Daddy's fingers are holding him so tight it hurts and he cries harder because it hurts. "Stop it right now, Dean! You're not the only one that misses her!"

And Daddy drops him onto Miss Laura's couch, picks up his old book, and stomps upstairs. Dean sits on the couch, too shocked to move, and cries silently.

* * *

Daddy feeds Sammy and changes his dirty diapers but that's about it. They've left Miss Laura behind and the way Daddy said good-bye kinda made it sound like they weren't coming back. Miss Laura hugged him tight and told him to be strong and to always remember that his Mommy loved him very much and Daddy loves him, too, he's just too sad to show it right now.

Dean figures that, if Daddy is too sad to take care of Sammy, then Dean'll have to do it for him. So he sings Sammy to sleep and dries his tears when he cries and tells him everything'll be okay. Even though Dean doesn't know if that's true because Daddy is sad and Mommy is gone and Dean is just really, really scared.

* * *

Its Dean's birthday. There's no presents or cake or songs. Daddy doesn't even remember. They're at some old church –there's a guy there named Pastor Jim that Daddy spends hours and hours talking with while Dean stays with Sammy –and Daddy's too busy with his books and his papers.

Dean's five years old now, and that means he's a big boy. So he doesn't cry when Daddy doesn't remember. Sammy's just learning to walk and he pushes his face into Dean's belly and gurgles and Dean thinks that means that Sammy remembers and Sammy is wishing him a happy birthday. Dean kneels down like he sees Pastor Jim do, folds his hands like Mommy always did, and prays real hard to the angels. Maybe he can have Mommy back for his birthday if he prays hard enough and is a good enough boy.

Dean waits all day and all night, hoping and hoping the angels will give him back his Mommy because he really misses her. Daddy's always sad and Dean's always alone, except for Sammy. All he wants is his Mommy back.

When Daddy tells him to go to bed, Dean takes Sammy with him. He cries and decides that he's never asking an angel for anything ever again.

Dean's seven and he knows his orders: lock the doors, don't answer the phone, keep the salt lines intact, and watch over Sammy. Dean scowls because he always looks after Sammy, even when Dad doesn't. Dean knows better than to say this, though.

* * *

Dad's gone longer than he ever has been before. The milk is gone within a few days, because Sammy really likes his milk, and they have to eat the rest of the cereal dry. Dean can kind of make Mac-N-Cheese, so he makes the last box and lets Sam have it all. It takes Sam three days to eat it, and by then Dean's belly is rumbling loud and aching. Dean just doesn't know what to do, though, and he's scared.

He knows he isn't supposed to, but he tucks his gun into his pants, takes Sammy's hand, and goes outside. He can hear Sam's tummy making noises, just like Dean's, and Sammy is whining loud and long about being hungry. He walks Sammy down to the dinner they ate at with Dad and gives the lady his best smile.

"Sammy learned a new word today!" He announces, and it isn't exactly a lie. Sam learns new words every day. "Dad said I could take him to get pie. This is enough, right?"

He holds up two quarters, a dime, and a penny, all of which he'd found on the ground on the walk over. The woman smiles at them, "Of course it is, dear. Let's get you and Sammy settled, huh? What's your name, sweetheart?"

"I'm Dean."

And Dean learns that lies and smiles will get him and Sammy both fully bellies.

* * *

Dean's ten years old and he's shaking and crying and Dad is so mad he won't look at him. Sammy doesn't understand what's wrong, keeps petting Dean's hair and asking again and again but Dean can't answer. He promised Dad he wouldn't and Dean keeps his promises. He can remember his mom still, can remember her telling him promises are important and he needs to stand by them.

Dean failed and he knows it. He nearly got Sammy killed because he was bored. He's never letting Sam out of his sight again, not ever. He's never letting Sam get hurt, not ever again.

* * *

Sam hands him a present and Dean knows it was meant for Dad. But Dad didn't show up, Dad let Sam down again and Dean can't bring himself to care that it's supposed to be Dad's because Dean is the one here, with Sam, and it's Dean that Sam wants to give it to.

He slips the amulet around his neck and it doesn't come back off until he's dead and Sam thinks he's gone.

* * *

The worst thing in the world, worse than the fire and losing his mother and every bad memory he has all put together, the worst thing in the world is holding Sam's lifeless body in his arms.

He remembers that every moment he spends in hell, reminds himself again and again that he gave Sam life again and that makes every moment of this fucking torture worth it. It makes it all worth it, the fact that somewhere Sam is alive and well and doing okay.

He reminds himself again as Alastair cuts into him and his throat is raw from screaming and it's been twenty-eight years of screaming and reminding himself. He's scared because he doesn't know how much longer he can do this.

* * *

When Dean was five, he swore he'd never ask an angel for anything ever again.

Castiel is different, though, and some part of Dean knows that.

"I'm sorry." Castiel says and Dean has no idea what he's talking about. "I'm sorry I didn't answer your prayer. If I could have… If it would have been possible, I would have given her back to you."

Dean stares at him for a long minute and then punches him in the face.

The angel seems to understand, though. He wipes blood from his nose and doesn't bring Mary Winchester up again.

* * *

Dean doesn't know what's going on. He feels like he's been scared since he was four-years-old. They say he has to kill Sam, that killing Sam will save the world. All Dean can think about is promises he made when he was too young to understand and how his mom always said promises were meant to be kept.

All he can think about is Sam, barely able to talk, somehow understanding that it was Dean's birthday, even when their dad had forgotten for the third year in a row. All he can think about is Sam's limp, dead body in his arms.

He didn't go to hell for his brother only to come back and kill him.

He's not four anymore. This isn't the time to be scared. He knows what he needs to do.

Not much has changed. Its Sam and Dean against the rest of the world. Dean will stand between his Sammy and all the armies of Heaven, Hell, and whatever Earth may throw at them.


End file.
